Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
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I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot