POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
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When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]