Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
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SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
no regrets
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”