The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
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Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Love this guy
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Some people were born into their job.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah