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I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring