Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
You Might Also Like
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Introverted vegans go meetless
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this