I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
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[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.