10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
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[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.