“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
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Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
ibopfufen
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps