[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
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Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.