I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
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Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.