If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
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When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!