I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
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happy valentine’s day to me
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
awkward