A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
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flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets