My Plans 2020
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men