“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
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The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Received some very disappointing news today
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.