At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
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[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
me when I see my crush
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.