I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
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Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically