[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
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At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Happy Febuary everyone!
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow