I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
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The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money