Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
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So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
*weighs self after shaving
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.