If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
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The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
🥶🥶🐶🐶
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
In space, no one can hear…
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him