My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
You Might Also Like
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
prepare for carbonated trouble
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.