Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
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ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Duck typos.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again