Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
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I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
the icebreaker
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow