So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
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According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Hmmmmm
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.