Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
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sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
They must have gotten it to go.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
time machine? you mean a clock?
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.