I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
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Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.