Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.