both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
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We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month