Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
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My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Hmmmmm
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
stop
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth