How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.