Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
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Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.