[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
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[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
And bowling should be called pinball
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”