i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
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*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good