*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
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A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”