Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
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Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’