Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
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Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
figuring out my emotional availability:
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]