As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
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If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
⛄️
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use