Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
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Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
What’s so funny?
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”