Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
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Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
😂💯
good morning
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.