12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
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friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
me: my friends:
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I just ran a .003048K
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?