The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
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The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
absolute chaos
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having