Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
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You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”