When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
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just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random