Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
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What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in