Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
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date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.