I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
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My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.