*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
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When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.