I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
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I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
this is so top tier i cant
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
True
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
fixed it
Incredible customer service.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored